Did I unknowingly commit a crime or wrong in the past, for which I will be horribly punished in the future?
I have struggled with OCD since I was in my early twenties. Back then, my family doc called it “stress-related anxiety.” When I was finally diagnosed with OCD what I had been dealing with made sense for the first time.
My OCD has tended to focus on whether I could have unknowingly done something wrong in the past. The feared mistake changed with time and circumstance, but the expected outcome was always the same: I would be blamed for something I never meant to do and never thought was possible and be ruined. Compulsions were all mental: rumination, memory checking, and reassurance seeking. I endlessly played out hypothetical scenarios or arguments in my head to try to convince myself that my fears were impossible.
Although my fears had no logical support, OCD kept whispering that because I couldn’t prove that they were 100% impossible, and because I kept feeling them, then they must be true.
Getting the right treatment has brought me back to the fullest possible life – lived in the present. If you are fighting a similar battle, don’t give up! There is hope.
Categories: The Wall