Amanda, 27, Shetland, Scotland

You can’t prove that I won’t be raped again so I must trust my mind and bleach my hands to stop that from happening

amanda-no-textI was diagnosed with OCD and PTSD almost 11 years ago after being raped. My OCD is based around intrusive thoughts of being raped again or members of my family being raped, my siblings being killed, my parents being hurt in an accident or my causing harm to someone I love. These intrusive thoughts have rituals which include:

– Counting to 4 in repetitive circles
– Avoiding cracks or changes in surfaces on the road/pavements
– Locking doors and checking them repeatedly
– Scrubbing my body (mainly hands) with scouring pads and bleach
– Repeating words, sentences or lyrics over and over in my head
– Drawing the outline of images or words from TV etc with my finger (particularly peoples lips, not a clue why lips)
– I can’t put my hands in things such as a sink of water filled by someone else, a bag I can’t see into etc
– Controlling what I eat and when I eat, sometimes going days or weeks without food
– Reading and checking things I have written (texts, emails, social media posts etc) to make sure I haven’t written anything offensive
– Avoiding odd numbers
– Making myself sick if I feel like I have eaten something that may be contaminated
– Being in complete control all the time

I would relate my OCD to drowning! I can never get enough time between each thought or ritual to catch my breath and feel like I’m constantly fighting my way to the surface just to breathe!! It’s like trying to out run your own shadow, some days the clouds come over and you only notice your shadow once or twice but other days you can’t move without it catching you!

My head is so loud all the time and nothing works to stop it!! Medication takes away every feeling and emotion, they strip away your humanity some days! And yet without them you are sucked dry of every moment of your life because you’re constantly under attack from your own mind!! There are days when I wake up and wonder how I’m going to get out of bed never mind make it through a whole day of work! Somedays it feels like life is just so impossible to live but we keep going because there are those few moments worth living for!! I wouldn’t be here today without my faith and my friends and family who support me every minute of everyday!!!

Note from the editor:

If you want to read more about Amanda’s experiences with OCD you can follow her blog


Categories: The Wall

2 replies »

  1. Wow wow ! Who can tell with that ever smiling face of yours that you have and go through so much Amanda . Double love and respect for your fighter spirit ! One day I hope you shall overcome. We love you as you are don’t change a bit Hun xx

    Liked by 1 person

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