I constantly question whether I actually know my partner. I obsess over it – is he cheating, lying, deceiving me…
I have been plagued my whole life with intrusive thoughts. Thoughts of being deceived, of being terminally ill, of things happening to my kids such as car crashes, plane crashes, getting ill. These thoughts have affected my entire life, my work, my relationships.
I have never held down a relationship with a man for longer than five years because I am constantly obsessing that they have or might have cheated on me or that they have some dark secret they don’t want me to know.
My compulsions are those of questioning, of checking phones, emails… I am relentless once I get a thought, and I never knew, before now, that I suffer with a form of OCD. This has never once been suggested to me in all my years of counselling, CBT, psychotherapy, GP visits. I have been on countless meds and the only time I have been at peace is when I am so drugged up on anti-ds that I am an emotional zombie.
Even as a kid I used to be scared I was going to be kidnapped or attacked, and I used to hide in someone’s garden if a man was walking towards me down the street. I am now scared my son has the illness as he sits up at night worrying about every little thing. The time has come for me to tackle this, now that I know what I am suffering with.
Editor’s note: Sarah has recently started a Facebook page to write about her experiences and thoughts – you can access it here.
Categories: The Wall