If I touch someone without explicit permission, I am convinced I’m assaulting them.
This is true whether I am hugging a friend, tapping someone’s shoulder to get their attention, or especially when I’m trying to be intimate with someone. In the latter case, I am constantly worried that I am sexually assaulting my partner even if they seem enthusiastic, and after the event is over I will continue to worry that I have somehow violated their consent.
The intrusive thoughts are so bad that I haven’t had sex in three years, and I still question if I harmed my past partners. It’s even worse when I have to touch children, e.g. holding a hand to cross the street. I could never have my own children because I am terrified what thoughts I would have if I had to bathe them or change diapers.
Categories: The Wall