Joel, 24, Leeds, UK

Am I going to die today?

Joel-no-textI have suffered from OCD for 14 years. In the past 6 months I have been on medication and seeing a therapist for my condition. I have health anxiety, depression and OCD.

You will never understand how much it means to me to see that people are now taking this more seriously because of what you guys are doing.

As you can imagine there are millions of thoughts that run through my head on a daily basis, but the one that stands out everyday of my life is “Am I going to die today?”

I wake up on a morning, that split second when you forget what day it is and where you are, that split second is the happiest part of my day.

I often wonder what it would be like to live inside the head of a ‘normal person’. To not have to look out of the window 3 times, get back out of bed and look again, get back in bed and then torture yourself mentally, because that tiny thought at the back of your head says “hmmm I don’t think you looked properly then, so now I’m going to set like concrete in your mind and plague your brain, till you can’t physically function and every where you go you’ll be thinking I must remember to look out of the window when I get home”.

When I get a headache it’s a brain tumour.
When I get back ache it’s cancer.
Tummy ache, cancer.
Leg ache, cancer.
Chest pains, heart attack.

I’ve being to the doctors over 20 times in less than 12 months. Each time to be told you’re fine.

OCD is the most debilitating disease on this planet. It warps your mind. Think of the worst type of person to exist on this planet. Got it.

Well OCD tells you that you’re that person. And that’s the worst part.

Categories: The Wall

2 replies »

  1. “Headache-tumor, backache- cancer…” This is my OCD. I tell myself I’m being ridiculous. I tell myself that I’m fine. Every cough, sneeze, breathe near me is a disease floating on the breeze. Every day is fear. I hope you’re getting help, nothing seems to work for me.


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