Anonymous, 19, Sri Lanka

I fight against OCD every single day to live my life

anonymous9-no-textI knew about OCD when I was 17. And now I know that I haven’t spent my childhood as a normal child. I really feel sorry for myself. I’ve been fighting all the time without knowing  my enemy.

As I remember I showed OCD symptoms first, when I was about 8 or 9. I started washing hands and legs unusually and I needed my home to be perfectly neat. Every time I felt my hands are dirty,  I washed them. I felt something is happening to me but I didn’t know because I was just a kid. I thought ‘if I don’t clean my hands, one of my family will die’. That feeling always scared me so I did anything my mind told me.

Now I’m 19 but my thoughts and behaviour is almost the same.  I wash my hands and count to 5 because I feel like 5 is a safe number. I’m the youngest and 5th one of the family (counted with mom and dad) I think ‘if I wash 5 times I’ll die first and my family will be safe.

I always try to hide my OCD in front of others. Sometimes I forget my best friend’s name. (She is my friend for years) but I never show that I forgot.

Anyway I was  a bright student. I did my studies as well as I can. There were some periods that my OCD tried to control me very badly. Specially in exam periods. But I never showed it. I passed all the government exams very well. It feels like a miracle to me. No one will believe me if I say that I have OCD because I’ve done my studies well. After all of this I’ve passed my A/L exam and have been selected to the best university for engineering in my country. I still can’t believe this because I know what I went through during the exam period. I was extremely stressed and my OCD was in the highest point. I planned to commit suicide and I wanted to do reckless things. I did everything in my mind. I killed myself and sometimes I ran away. But I never did those things in real life because I was afraid that others’ll reveal my secret illness. I’m afraid that they’ll laugh at me or they’ll pity me.

And now I’ve passed the most competitive exam and waiting to enter the university next year. My fear is more than ever as I’m going to live with strangers and I’ll start studying more complex subjects.

Now I’m not a child anymore. All these years, I learned one thing about OCD. I’ve learned a way to live with OCD. It’s already a part of my life. I can’t get out of it alone. But I can’t ask others for help either. So I should coexist with this. Forcing myself to stop my thoughts  only makes things worse. Now I train my mind to let the obsessive thoughts float away. This is not easy but I have to. Because I hate being afraid of my future. OCD has already sucked enough strength from me and my personality . I have nothing more to give. I just need a normal life. To live normal as others.

Categories: The Wall

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