I’m evil. I must be to have such terrible mental images. They come from inside my head so it must be my fault. I’m dirty and wrong.
I’ve been an anxious person for as long as I can remember. I’d agonise about small, trivial things for a long, long time. I worried about being ‘bad’ and constantly sought reassurance that I wasn’t.
When I was 13 I became terrified that I was a pervert. Ten years later I still can’t write the actual word. I had sexual mental images that I found repulsive and terrifying. The shame I feel is still so strong that I’m having to fight to write this all out. My mind is screaming at me to stop, that everyone will hate me.
I hit rock bottom last year.
I became delusional and incredibly paranoid. I thought I was going to be sent to prison for my thoughts and was having multiple panic attacks a day. I wanted to die.
I had kept my mounting fear and shame bottled up for so long that my mind just snapped.
I would say I’m not as bad these days. I still live with shame and fear on a daily basis but I no longer think I’m perverted. OCD took years of my life and left me with difficulties with physical intimacy. I still feel terrified of wanting these things and end up feeling disgusted with myself and my body for enjoying it.
So that is my story. I’ve never been this honest before. My OCD hates to be brought out into the light and is filling me with anxiety for writing this but I will not allow shame to rule my life anymore.
Categories: The Wall