I have intrusive thoughts of many kinds. They haunt me and make me want to stop living
I have intrusive thoughts and they consume me. My mind runs 100 mph and I can’t stop it. Thoughts or images stick. And my mind adds horrible things to them and makes me feel like a psycho.
I wonder if it’s OCD or if I’m really just crazy. It is also especially hard because a lot of the time it involves people I care for more than anything in the world. My spouse or children.
I feel like a bad person for thinking these nasty thoughts but I can’t make them stop. I can’t distinguish if the thoughts are of touching or not. I know that word runs a race in my brain. And when a child crosses my mind after it it’s like my brain combines them.
I’m scared to tell my spouse because I fear they will leave me and judge me. But all I really want is for them to know everything so that they can be there for me and comfort me, understand I’m going through something. Something torturous. They think that the anxiety and OCD is not a big deal. And that I really don’t need medication to help me.
I am not a bad person and I fear that these thoughts will become actions if they do not go away. Everything I read or see about this my brain uses against me, and I have thoughts about it that get twisted and manipulated. I just want to feel normal.
I remember when I was younger checking on loved ones 3 times in 5 minutes to make sure they were still breathing. Touching things over and over. Different little things. I really don’t do that anymore. It’s these thoughts and a racing mind. Sometimes I don’t want to live. If this continues I cannot go on. I would rather die than live with this everyday. I’m scared of what everyone will think of me.
Is it OCD or am I a monster?
Categories: The Wall