“Violent, perverse, blasphemous thoughts.”
I’ve had obsessive thoughts and compulsions ever since I was little. One of my earliest compulsions that I remember doing was excessive hand washing and having a fear of germs. My OCD was (and is) constantly changing, switching from one obsession to another, though it tends to stay in a sort of general cycle. I didn’t really know about obsessive-compulsive disorder until much later in my childhood, and even then I only thought it pertained to my obsession with neatness and repetitive behaviors, not all the terrible intrusive thoughts swirling around my head. It was confusing to me. I thought that I was going insane. Thoughts of violent images, harming my family and loved ones, perverse, blasphemous thoughts about God, thoughts that tortured me growing up.
As I grew up and learned more about what OCD was, I have found some relief and have learned to cope with it to some degree, especially with the compulsions. But still today have doubts as to whether all of these thoughts are due to my OCD or if some are my own.
Categories: The Wall