“How do I know for sure that I won’t kill someone on purpose?”
I am haunted mostly by obsessions, by things that cannot be seen but that are very real to me in my mind. There is no cure for OCD, only various medications and methods for managing the symptoms. It is terrifying to be told that I must get used to the fears and actually accept that I can never know FOR SURE what I will or won’t do. It’s like I’m constantly stuck in this mind-game called OCD, and I need to become a skilled player in order to always keep ahead of the game. Sometimes I get so tired of playing, and I feel like I’m drowning.
I’ve had these obsessions since I was 12 years old. I know I’m a good person, but I feel like I have to keep this horrible secret all to myself.
Categories: The Wall
The Secret Illness 
I get so very tired of playing too Laura. The gift that keeps on giving. I agree it’s terrifying when they say you have to just get used to the fears. We deserve a cure or time off for good behaviour. Interestingly fairly recently I realised that my earliest recollections of OCD behaviour were aged 12, not 16 as I’d previously thought.
It’s that lack of sureness that gets you isn’t it, when it overlaps with things you love or hate. I find it damn hard to let that stuff go. Sometimes it feels too fundamentallly important to say “whatever” to.
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