What if I don’t really love my fiancé?

ROCD stands for Relationship OCD. It is awful. Every so often, it makes me doubt everything about my partner and our relationship. Whether I know I’m attracted to him or not (because I feel attracted to him), there are times I play the same thought over and over in my mind: “Is he really not very good looking?” Then, I’ll stare at him for a while until I remember why I was attracted to him in the first place. This has happened with all of my partners.

I also begin to question our relationship and whether I’ve “convinced” myself that we’re a good fit, despite the fact that he is not only my best friend and makes me laugh every day, but that we have a lot in common and get along quite great. This ROCD is, well… a nightmare.

We have been engaged for a little over three years now and have come close to tying the knot on two or three occasions. Every time we start talking about plans or details, I either back out and tell him I’m not ready, or I find a way to pick a fight about something that I claim is “off” between us. I really feel for him having to go through this. I can only hope that, one day, my ROCD will subside and I will give in to what I know is true love. He is the man I want to wake up next to when I’m old. Yet ROCD plays this game with my mind and causes us both grief.  This is real stuff. Real painful stuff.