I wonder if I even love my husband?
I can’t even tell you how long I’ve suffered from OCD. I know it’s been there in the back of my mind. I remember my pediatrician joking about “maybe you have OCD” as I continued to struggle with keeping the paper that covers the table perfect and avoiding crinkles.
I’ve always been a planner. I have a plan for everything and a back up plan and a back up plan, you know how it is. If someone doesn’t answer my phone call I instantly think they’re dead. Someone’s gone in the house and brutally murdered them all and I’m finding the bodies. I prepare myself, I can see where they are in the house, blood is everywhere, how will I move forward? Did my mom say she wanted to be buried or cremated? Then she answers the phone and it’s all I can still think about.
When I drive by those white crosses on the side of a road indicating someone died in a crash here I think to myself I wonder if I drove into that tree if I would die. Sometimes I think I want to drive into the tree or the oncoming traffic but I tell myself it’s my OCD talking.
Everything and anything can start a new worry for me. A few years ago with that massacre at the batman movie I am now terrified to go to the movies. I make sure I know where all exits are and plan my escape. Do I crawl through the bloody bodies or do I pretend to be dead until they leave?
I have questioned every relationship I’ve been in, do I actually love them? This goes back and forth and usually ends in me just leaving to stop the cycle. At this point I’m married so I can’t just leave but I do think everyday do I love my husband?
Categories: The Wall