Jessica, 23, New Hampshire, USA

I wonder if I even love my husband?

jessica-no-textI can’t even tell you how long I’ve suffered from OCD. I know it’s been there in the back of my mind. I remember my pediatrician joking about “maybe you have OCD” as I continued to struggle with keeping the paper that covers the table perfect and avoiding crinkles.

I’ve always been a planner. I have a plan for everything and a back up plan and a back up plan, you know how it is. If someone doesn’t answer my phone call I instantly think they’re dead. Someone’s gone in the house and brutally murdered them all and I’m finding the bodies. I prepare myself, I can see where they are in the house, blood is everywhere, how will I move forward? Did my mom say she wanted to be buried or cremated? Then she answers the phone and it’s all I can still think about.

When I drive by those white crosses on the side of a road indicating someone died in a crash here I think to myself I wonder if I drove into that tree if I would die. Sometimes I think I want to drive into the tree or the oncoming traffic but I tell myself it’s my OCD talking.

Everything and anything can start a new worry for me. A few years ago with that massacre at the batman movie I am now terrified to go to the movies. I make sure I know where all exits are and plan my escape. Do I crawl through the bloody bodies or do I pretend to be dead until they leave?

I have questioned every relationship I’ve been in, do I actually love them? This goes back and forth and usually ends in me just leaving to stop the cycle. At this point I’m married so I can’t just leave but I do think everyday do I love my husband?

Categories: The Wall

2 replies »

  1. This post hit home for me. I also have relationship OCD and I spend so much time wondering if I like anyone. Do I love my mom for real or do I just pretend to? Do they like me or are they lying to me because they are supposed to like me? How will I know if I love someone or if they love me? I can’t just jump into someone’s brain. There’s no way with certainty to prove any of my feelings or other people’s feelings are valid. I just want you to know though that you’re not alone. I find the idea of that extremely comforting and I hope you do too. Part of my OCD makes me believe nobody understands what I’m thinking and I’m incapable of loving someone for real. Knowing I’m not the only one who wonders if they love someone makes me associate all of those thoughts strictly with my OCD. I still struggle with it everyday and sometimes I don’t think I can do it anymore, but knowing how many of us are out there keeps me going. Thanks for sharing your story. I really really really needed to hear this today.

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    • I’m really happy about this as well. As I was reading your post I was thinking the same thing and I always say I can’t tell you what I feel and if it’s the same love as you because I can’t jump into your feelings. Your never alone and I understand your struggle. It’s not easy and it’s a daily struggle and always will be but just know it’s your OCD talking.

      Like

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